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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28600398">Breaking the habit</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyglider/pseuds/Skyglider'>Skyglider</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Beta Wanted, Cutting, Depression, Emetophobia, Friendship, Gen, No Romance, Not Beta Read, POV Vanitas (Kingdom Hearts), POV Ventus (Kingdom Hearts), Platonic Soulmates, Roommates, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Indulgent, Vani is art major and Ven is a singer, roommates to friends to best friends</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:42:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28600398</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyglider/pseuds/Skyglider</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ventus and Vanitas share a room in an Arts College dormitory. Vanitas was just happy to change surroundings, hoping to get through college without Ven noticing any of his issues. But Ven finds out about his self-harm and decides to do his best to help Vanitas heal.<br/>A line between paragraphs will mark POV change, but no time skipping unless written otherwise. Like instant jump from Ven's head to Vanitas'</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Vanitas &amp; Ventus (Kingdom Hearts)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Breaking the habit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE CONTINUING!!!<br/>First, heed the warnings from tags. This fic heavily explores themes of depression, has graphic depictions of self-harm (cutting), and mild tw for emetophobia. Please take care and do not read if any of it is triggering for you.<br/>Second, this is an experimental upload. This is my first fanfiction, and I am looking for beta reader, as English isn`t my native language. I`m not sure how to look for those because ideally, it'll be someone who appreciates platonic stuff and can deal with heavy themes while being able to point out grammar mistakes or character inconsistencies.</p><p>Even if I don't find beta, I just want to know if there will be anyone interested in this, because it's very self-indulgent and an attempt to heal myself.<br/>And lastly, as I'm aroace, there will be no romance in this work whatsoever. Van and Ven will go from somewhat annoyed roommates to friends to best friends to BFFs for life. I have a plan for multi chapters, but depending on people being interested in it or not, I might take it down.<br/>Thanks for taking the time to read this and stay safe :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Aqua and Terra canceled our usual Friday movie night. I had a feeling returning back earlier wasn`t a good idea. I should have gone to the store, bought a snack, and walked in the park. My roommate wasn`t the kind I`d hang out with. He seemed to have only two moods, "ignore Ventus" and "annoy Ventus". I never saw him hanging out with anybody. He always sat alone at lunches, always with headphones, probably listening to some angsty rock. He always wore dark shirts with long sleeves, even in summer. He seemed to hate the sun, and it was mutual, for he had pale skin to suit his spiky black hair and amber eyes.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>As I said, he wasn`t exactly a pleasant person, and I didn`t look forward to spending the evening in the same room, but I never could have guessed what waited for me behind the doors. He was sitting near his bed, in his signature headphones, which probably was the reason he didn`t notice me. It took me a few seconds which felt like an eternity to try and figure out how to react to what I saw.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Vanitas!!!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He froze, a blade in his right hand near his left. Both were covered in old scars and fresh cuts. It was no wonder he never wore t-shirts. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Vanitas, stop! Give that to me! </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I approached and tried to take away the blade, but Vanitas pulled back. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Why you`re here? Did your friends ditch you last minute? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I fumbled for the right response. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- You`re dripping blood all over the floor and that`s what you say? I`m calling an emergency. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Don`t you dare! Do you think it`s my first time? I know what I`m doing. You say a word to anyone, and I`ll make your hands look like mine, - Vanitas snarled. He got up and took what he probably assumed was a threatening pose, but his hands shook badly and I only now noticed tear traces on his cheeks. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Are you okay? - I asked the dumbest thing, but how do you react to that?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Vanitas laughed with that laugh of his that he often used while watching people do stupid decisions in horror movies. This only got him crying. He tried to wipe tears, getting blood smeared on his face too. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Does this look okay to you, genius? - he turned away, adding a lower voice. - You weren`t supposed to know. But now you do. Don`t you dare tell anyone. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- But... Vanitas stepped so close, I could smell desperation on his breath and get a glimpse of something in his eyes he usually never showed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Please. - he never said please. - Promise I won`t kill myself. Just pretend this never happened.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I needed to get out of there. I needed fresh air. I stepped to the door. Vanitas grabbed my wrist. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Where... </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled free. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I won`t tell, - I said, annoyed and frustrated all of a sudden. Probably because all this situation scared me. - I need fresh air, your blood makes me sick. Keep it to your half of the room, will you? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>With that, I left, slamming the door for emphasis. Only outside I let out a breath I didn`t know I was holding. What now? I need to clear my head. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I headed to the elevator. I bumped into Namine on the way out. She was an art major, like Vanitas, but somehow we became friends, while Vanitas probably didn't know she existed. Or didn't care. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was always happy to see her, but now I wanted to be alone. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Ven! I thought you went to a movie with... Hey, what happened? You look like you`ve seen a ghost! </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I might have. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Did you </span>
  <span>had</span>
  <span> a fight with Vanitas? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Uh, yeah. - I guess you could call it that with a stretch. We did fight sometimes, so this won`t call a suspicion. - I think he`s just feeling bad. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Bad how? Like a cold? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- No, like, I think he`s upset? - That was an understatement of my junior year. - I wanted to help, but he yelled at me. How do you help someone who doesn`t want to be helped? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>-Hmm. - Namine tilted her head thoughtfully. - I don`t think he really doesn`t want your help, he might be afraid that you won`t accept him and turn away. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Wow, that`s some deep psychological stuff. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I had a friend like that at school. I learned that usually when he pushed me away is when he needed me the most. - Namine smiled sweetly. - I don`t know Vanitas well, but he always seems sad? Maybe you could try harder to be a friend. He won't talk to me, but you live together. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- You think I didn't try? I can`t win a single argument with him, he seems to always know the perfect comeback. He won't talk to me either. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Except for today. This was so out of character. Or was it the real him, hurt and alone, and all that edginess was a mask, so no one can hurt him more? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>We came near the crossroad. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I have to go to the bus stop, but I`m sure you can handle this. For starters, food always helps. Bring him something he likes, maybe that`ll make him more ready to accept your help? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Okay. Thanks, Namine. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- You're welcome! Tell me how it goes. - Namine ran to the bus stop, with the bus approaching. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>On the other side of the road, there was a convenience store. I could try her advice. I crossed the road, entered the store, and stood for a few minutes in front of a snack section. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I had no idea what Vanitas might like. I tried to recall what he got for lunch, but that wasn`t something to guess his tastes. He got ramen and curry rice from the cafeteria like every other student. What snacks he had in our fridge? He usually stole mine. Did we have the same taste, or he'd eat anything if it's free? With shame, I realized that I never paid attention. I kinda gave up after few attempts to get to know him better, deciding we could ignore each other more or less peacefully. He wasn`t the worst roommate, he kept his side of the room clean and we took turns cleaning the bathroom. He always smelled nice and kept his appearance clean despite all his edginess, while I sometimes could show to a lecture almost in pajamas that didn`t smell so nice. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My memory still failed to load any recollection of his snacks, so I decided to get one spicy, one sweet, some juice, and chocolates. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn`t stop overthinking my shopping decisions on the 2-minute walk back to the dorms. What if he`s allergic to something? What if he doesn`t like anything? What if he gets angry? I could practically hear his voice, yelling "I don`t need your pity". </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>With those questions still floating in my head, I opened the door to our room. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was empty. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I turned the lights on. The window was opened, floor sparkling clean, the faint scent of citrus freshener in the air. Like nothing happened. At first, I was relieved I didn`t have to see blood anymore, but then an alarm sounded in my head. Where did he go? Is he alright? I was about to call when I noticed a note on my pillow. It said, "gone to get food". </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I signed, half-relieved. But how come we didn`t meet? That convenience store was the closest to campus, and the other one was on the way past it. Noticing his headphones nowhere in sight, I deduced he took the roundabout route to maybe clear his head as well. Speaking of which, my short trip to the store did nothing to clear my own head, still full of unanswered questions. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I left the bag with juice and snacks on his bed and sat at my table, opening my laptop and typing in the search bar "how to help someone who </span>
  <span>self harms</span>
  <span>", "why people cut themselves" and stuff like that. I wasn`t sure how to deal with it. I only heard about it very briefly from somebody`s conversation but thought of it as something distant. I never thought somebody in my proximity might do that to themselves, much more somebody I share a room with and see every day. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The more I read, the more I was convinced that Namine was right and what Vanitas was doing was a silent cry for help I was lucky to notice. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I firmly decided to try and be there for Vanitas despite his protests, when I was startled by a bag from a convenience store dropped carelessly on my keyboard. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- What, - I squeaked, surprised. I turned around to see Vanitas, the expression on his face unreadable. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Consider this a bribe for your silence. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I looked inside the bag. It contained a big pack of gummy bears, an energy drink (orange flavor), and three packages of those expensive small chocolates I usually allowed to buy myself when I got a good grade or it was a holiday. How did he know? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- T-thanks. You didn`t have to... </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Vanitas stopped me with his hand held out. - You weren`t supposed to see that. Promise it won`t happen again. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He turned around to his side of the room. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- What`s this? - he picked the bag I left on his bed. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- A... bribe for you to not do that again? - I lamely responded. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Vanitas shook the contents on his bed, his expression still unreadable. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Sorry, I didn`t know what you`d like. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Vanitas smirked, looking pleased with himself, like he was happy that he was more observant about me than I about him. He went to our small kitchen and put on the kettle. Soon the smell of coffee filled the air. I didn`t even try to reason. Vanitas claimed coffee helped him sleep. A thought briefly rushed through my head, what if he drank coffee in the evenings after self harm? I often came back late after hanging out with friends to a faint smell of coffee in the room, Vanitas asleep and windows opened. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was startled by a sound of a package ripped open and a sight of Vanitas unceremoniously drowning chocolate in his huge mug, spilling some coffee on a small bed table. He caught me staring. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- What? 
 <span>- That`s... interesting way to eat chocolate. Or drink a coffee. </span>
  
</span></p><p>
  <span>-You never tried? They go well together. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Okay. - I said reluctantly. Vanitas was answering like we could have a normal conversation for once, and I was eager to act on my resolution to be a good friend. - I`ll try it next time. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Water`s still hot. I can make you one. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>What? Vanitas suggesting to do something for me? He must really be keen on keeping me silent, and this to him must be no more than a bribe, but I`ll take my chances. I bit down the "but it`s almost midnight" protest (I was a normal human, whom coffee woke up in the morning, not put to bed at night) and followed him to the cabinets. In my attempt not to say the wrong thing I didn`t say anything at all. Vanitas proceeded to take my glass cup looking like he would ignore me anyway. And he put two spoons in my cup. Two spoons of his coffee. I still recall the bruise on my arm when I in my sleepy morning state took his jar by accident. He then dropped some chocolate from our shared stash and roughly handed the cup to me. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Thanks. - I returned to my seat, and Vanitas sat on his bed, spilling some more on his blanket like he didn`t care. I sipped a bit, wincing at the heat. - I`ll wait a bit for it to cold down, but it does go well together. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Vanitas smirked all-knowingly from behind his mug. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- It won`t if it was your crappy coffee. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Hey! - I bit down whatever I could say back. I had to be nice, not to start an argument. Vanitas seemed to sense it, for his smirk vanished and he looked threatening. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Stop that. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Stop what? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Whatever </span>
  <span>you</span>
  <span> might`ve read on the internet. Stop handling me like I might break if you say something "wrong". - He did the quote-unquote gesture with his free hand. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn`t help noticing bandages around his wrist when the sleeve slid down a bit. Vanitas noticed that I noticed and opened his mouth to say something, but bit it back, sipping his coffee. I looked away, not knowing what to say. For a while, we drank in silence, when Vanitas said with that smirk, like the previous comment didn`t happen. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Your coffee is still crap. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I didn`t hold back, falling back into our casual bickering. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- How would I know the difference, if some jerk almost killed me instead of introducing me to the supreme roast. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Vanitas seemed content about my reply, for smirk turned to what counted as a smile on his face. He finished his coffee and set the cup on the bedside table, taking headphones. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- You take shower first. - that sounded like an order. - Unless you want to risk using a bloodied bathtub. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I involuntarily gagged at that, which didn`t go unnoticed. But he looked amused, not angry, so I counted that as a win. </span>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Ventus went to shower, and usually, I was the first one to use the bathroom. But I wanted to change hastily put bandages without any unnecessary pressure, so I decided to let him go first. Plus, I had to decide what course of action to take, since my secret was out. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wish he never knew. I always had perfect timing. He always hangs out with his friends past midnight on Fridays. Who knew they cancel last minute? It was an accident. Next time I`ll lock myself in the bathroom. Which isn`t as comfortable and I`ll have to put all my stuff on the floor, while here it was conveniently near, in the drawer of the bedside table. Also, our bathroom lock was broken. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He brought me snacks. I`d eat anything as long as it`s free. He`s as scatterbrained and stupid as I thought. How he didn`t notice my favorite snack when I eat it every morning under his nose? True, he`s not strongest in the morning. He`s not strong at all. I recall when I punched him lightly when he tried to steal my coffee, blaming it on not being awake enough. He almost cried. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>What I hated to admit, was that I hated that it wasn`t as pleasing to make him almost cry as I thought it would be.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>So, what was I thinking? Ah, that after half a year living together and he didn`t notice. Not that I care. I`m just more observant.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My treacherous brain helpfully put a mental projection of all the times I shut down his initial efforts to try and befriend me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>No wonder he stopped trying. Just like everybody else. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nobody cares about a jerk like you.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>But wasn`t it my plan? To just peacefully coexist until graduation. What is this stupid feeling, disappointment?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Why is he trying now? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He pities you. If you </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>hid</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> better, he wouldn`t know, and nothing of this would have happened. You shouldn`t have behaved differently.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>But it was a bribe. Who knows to whom he goes to vent about all the stuff that </span>
  <span>happens?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Can you trust him?</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Well, the ambulance didn`t rush here, so he just might not talk to anybody. I will deny it anyway. I dare anyone to ask that to my face. With my hard work on reputation, no one will ask me for a spare pencil if I was the only one in class to have it and they were to fail a course without it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I tried to listen to my favorite songs for a while. Keyword being "tried".</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"Just stuck, hollow and alone, </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>and the fault is my own"</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>This only led to the undesired train of </span>
  <span>thought</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You didn`t even try to reach out. He at least tried.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>This was an accident.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This could be an opportunity. He didn`t tell on you yet. He clearly wants to try again.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I put a pillow over my face and silently screamed until I couldn`t breathe.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I put music to a stop and got up. I heard the shower still running. I silently walked over to Ven`s table and opened his laptop and entered his password, "wayfinder", whatever that means. He didn`t bother to change it even though he knew that I knew it. He never asked how I found out, but he started hiding his journal too under his mattress instead of just leaving it among books on his shelf. We both pretended I didn`t find it again.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I quickly checked the sites he looked at. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Why, of course, there would be some bullshit articles about how we do this for attention, or to feel cool or some such crap. "What am I doing", I muttered, closing the wrong tabs and looking for...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>...for something that I`d like him to know about me, in the more general description, so he knows better...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stood up abruptly, closing the laptop. I heard Ventus coming out of the small bathroom we shared. I glared at him before he started asking stupid questions. I perfected that glare and when I used it that meant "shut up and go about your business like nothing you saw happened", and surprisingly even Ventus never questioned the glare.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I grabbed my towel, spare clothes, and my bag with band-aids and rushed past him to the bathroom. Thankfully, dorms had a heater system that constantly heated the water unless you turn it off, so I didn`t have to wait for the boiler to heat.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I regretted the decision to leave that article in his browser.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Anger was the only reason my face looked red at a brief glance in the somewhat clouded mirror. Definitely not the fear or worry about what Ven might think about me after he reads that article. </span>
  <span>Definitely</span>
  <span> not the fear of </span>
  <span>rejection</span>
  <span>, or the fear to come out of the bathroom and see the look of pity or disgust on his face. Or maybe even see him laughing over how pathetic a state I`m in. As if I don`t know how disgusting and pathetic I am, without strangers` input.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I tore away the bandages on my arms, wincing at the familiar pain. I stepped in the bathtub, bracing myself for the sting from the water. I made it as hot as I could bear and stood for a minute, listening to water and the sting of fresh cuts, heat and pain silencing my racing thoughts.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I took Ventus` disgusting vanilla-scented shampoo and poured generously on my hair as revenge for... just as revenge. For him returning back untimely.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was only after I used his equally disgusting vanilla-scented conditioner, that I noticed that my own ocean breeze shampoo bottle was opened.</span>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>I probably shouldn`t have used his shampoo. I don’t know how I could have taken it by mistake, but I ended up liking it and used it some more.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sat at the table and opened my laptop. I saw all my previous tabs closed except for one article. Was he trying to show me something?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was an article about depression and self-harm as a way to cope with </span>
  <span>intense</span>
  <span> feelings and projecting </span>
  <span>self-hatred</span>
  <span> in a physical way, as a way to distract oneself from heart pain by physical pain.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Namine was right. If I ever saw a silent cry for help, this was the loudest scream.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The shower sound stopped a while ago.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Wait, what if he`s doing it again? Vanitas could threaten me all he likes now, I won`t back off again. With that determination, I gathered all the courage to hide the worry in my voice, for I knew he hated to be pitied, run to the doors of our bathroom, and knocked loudly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Hey, you okay in there?</span>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>The loud knocking surprised me, and I dropped the battle with </span>
  <span>antiseptic</span>
  <span> on the floor. It was covered with plastic, but glass still managed to break.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Vanitas? What was that? If you don`t answer, I`ll...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I am not cutting if that`s what you mean. I`m fine, - I said quickly, annoyed. Our door`s lock was broken, we reported it once, no one bothered and we didn`t care, because it wasn`t necessary before. Now I wished for that lock to magically repair in that instant. Ven probably already imagined me lying in the tub in the pool of my blood, waiting for him to barge in here and be saved. No thanks. He saw my hands, but that wasn`t the same as willingly letting him stare.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But it would be nice if he took care of my cuts. </span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>That was a secret want I didn`t admit to myself. I definitely didn`t need anybody`s help, I`m fine on my own.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was too soon to trust like that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Um, I heard something break? You sure you`re okay? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- You startled me, and the antiseptic bottle broke. - as much as I hated to admit my surprise, I wanted to keep the door closed. It stayed that way only hanging on the thin layer of newly formed trust between us. - It`s fine, I have a spare one in my drawer.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- O-okay. Should I bring it to you?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Now, it was a dilemma. The bottle in question was in the drawer of my bedside table. But so was the package with the spare construction knife blades and razors. Ventus wasn`t allowed to see that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I didn`t want him to see that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>On the other hand, if I went for it myself, he`ll see my hands again. I was already wearing pants and a tank top, but if I put long-sleeved shirt, blood will stain it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Vanitas? Where is it? I`ll bring it over if...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- No! Go to your bed and cover your head and don`t look at me!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- But I already saw your hands, - Ven sighed. - You know, I could help you if you let me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was getting cold in the bathroom. My clothes got damp. Ventilation didn`t work that well in here. I almost saw Ven waiting outside thin plastic doors. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed and admitted to myself, that I was tired and the offer was tempting.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I still thought about the best way to handle the situation. I thought my coming up with decisions was fast, but apparently, the silence was too long for Ventus, for suddenly he announced:</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I`m coming in.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>With that, the door opened.</span>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>I mentally prepared myself to see his scars and blood. My imagination ran wild, picturing him standing in the red puddle, maybe with some bloodied razors in the sink. But he was telling the truth, he seemed to be taking care of himself, for I saw only bandages on the closed toilet seat and shattered battle on the floor. His scars were bleeding, reopened after a shower, some more than the others.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>What I wasn`t prepared for was the look on his face. I`ve never seen him so vulnerable, so scared, and so...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>... quiet. He didn`t say as much as a word. He didn`t try to fight me, he didn`t move at all.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I decided to take the situation into my own hands. The said hands shook a little as I gathered the bandages and gently put a hand on his shoulder, nudging to the door.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I`ll clean up later, let`s take care of your hands first.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He wordlessly moved to the exit, not even batting my hand off as he would usually do. I made a mental note that in a vulnerable state he responded better when I acted like I was in charge, instead of trying to ask him. Namine was right. Vanitas wanted to be helped but didn`t want to ask for it.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I followed him to his bed. Vanitas quickly took the spare bottle out of his drawer, where I suspected it might be. I made one more mental note to check that drawer when he will be out, and throw away whatever blades he might have there. Should I hide kitchen knives as well?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Vanitas handed me the battle, not looking my way. I took it and some clean gauze and soaked it in antiseptic. I kneeled near his bed, while he sat awkwardly on the edge, like it wasn`t his bed, holding his hand slightly near to me and still looking away. I took his hand as gently as I could and started cleaning the cuts. He gasped when I applied the gauze, but then kept silent. I concentrated hard on work, trying first to stop the cuts that were still bleeding.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>His hands were a wreck and painful to even look at, but I bit a lip and pushed all the unpleasant thoughts to the back of my mind.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Now, I never was the one to faint at the sight of blood, but when I removed gauze to check if the bleeding stopped, I saw his cuts up close. They were deep enough to see something white under the layer of skin.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stared, feeling my vision darken at the edges. I heard my name repeatedly called. Vanitas sounded like he tried to reach to me from afar and I was underwater.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Then I knew I had to run, and I did run purely on instincts alone, to the bathroom and managed to open the toilet seat just in time.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I don`t remember what I ate before that coffee, but whatever it was I was sure it wasn`t that gross and disgusting.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>But I was even more disgusted and ashamed of myself. I was supposed to be the one to help, I was supposed to be strong enough. I was the one to step so boldly into his space, to pretend to know what I`m doing, only to fail so miserably.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I stood up and </span>
  <span>rinsed</span>
  <span> my mouth, splashed my face, trying to steady my shaking limbs, while hearing the sounds to come back again. To my surprise and utter humiliation, the first sound I heard was Vanitas laughing. I felt my face heat up. Thank goodness I didn`t throw up in front of him. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The laugh went on, and I noticed that while it did sound like he enjoyed making me throw up (even if it wasn`t intentionally), it also sounded like he was relieved.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I finally managed to step outside, only to see Vanitas wiping tears, he laughed so hard.</span>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>I didn`t laugh so hard for a long time. I felt relief. Now we were even. Sure, I saw Ven catching a cold in late autumn, running nose and all, but he didn`t deem it embarrassing. But this, this should be humiliating. And, sure enough, he emerged from the bathroom with a red face, staring down at his feet. </span>
  <span>Glanced</span>
  <span> once at me. I had to wipe the mist from my eyes, and my stomach hurt. I couldn`t recall a more hilarious situation in my life.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Also, this should stay between us till we die.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I... I`m so sorry, - Ven said, making an unsure step. Even his voice shook.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Thanks for not barfing all over me. You looked like you certainly would. - I decided to tease him some more. His face became even redder.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Sorry... I... it just... - was all he could manage.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Good thing you didn`t choose to become a doctor, - I was about to add some more comments to embarrass him as utterly as possible, but he looked like he was on the verge of crying. I debated for a second if I should tip him over the edge. - It`s fine. I can manage on my own.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Tears spilled anyway.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I really wanted to help. Please forgive me...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I said it`s fine. - Suddenly him crying irritated me. - You brought it on yourself. I told you to stay away.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Disgust washed all over me.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You are so horrible you make people throw up.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- We should just forget about everything that happened today. It was a shitty day anyway, - I said angrily, reaching for the bandages. - You suck at helping.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was like I dropped a bomb.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ventus raised his flushed, tear-stained face and all I could read was anger.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- No! You suck at getting help! How do you think I was supposed to react, coming to my room and finding you trying to kill yourself!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I wasn`t...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Shut up! - he shrieked. At other times, I`d find it amazing at how high his voice sounded, but I made a mature decision to let him speak. Or shout. - You`ve been at it for so long you have no idea how scary it looks from the side! How not normal it is! How horribly you treat yourself and how scary it looks! Sorry I didn`t have the stomach to handle that, but what you do to yourself is not okay! And I will not tolerate it or forget or...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>At this point his voice broke, and he retreated to his bed to sob in his pillow. I mechanically finished cleaning my cuts. I stared at them, frowning. Tell me something new, I smiled bitterly. As if I don`t know it`s not healthy. But the only other alternative that didn`t include suicide was punching everyone I met on the way to the class, and I simply didn`t want to deal with the </span>
  <span>consequences</span>
  <span>. I didn`t want to go back home. Anything but that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Although lately I tended to forget how unhealthy my coping mechanisms might be, and I secretly praised myself for not hurting others, only getting out the hatred and anguish on myself.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wrapped the bandages around, securing them with </span>
  <span>band-aid</span>
  <span>. I stood up and looked in the mirror on the inside of the wardrobe. All of my arms were covered in scars, but today I didn`t have time to hurt myself as much as I planned, only on my left hand between wrist and elbow. Now that part was wrapped in bandages. My right hand still had some not completely healed scars from the previous session, but I merely put a few band-aids over those. I tried to take it all in critically. How would I react if I met that person on the street? </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Well, I, for one, would understand and know better </span>
  <span>than</span>
  <span> to stare.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Ven`s sobs </span>
  <span>quieted</span>
  <span> down. I sighed and lightly punched the mirror. What`s the point of putting on long sleeves now. Finally, at least I don`t have to pretend. </span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Do I still look disgusting to Ven, even with the fresh cuts covered?</span>
  
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>I chanced a look at the other side of the room. Vanitas stood silently in front of the mirror. He was staring at himself, then punched the mirror, then stared some more. Usually, he noticed when he was the one stared at, but he seemed too immersed in some thought. His hand was covered in a neat bandage (he must have had a lot of practice). He seemed to reach some kind of conclusion in his mind, for he opened the wardrobe and rummaged in his closes, pulling out a long-sleeved shirt. He finally noticed me staring not so </span>
  <span>subtly</span>
  <span> anymore, and turned away, putting a shirt on quickly.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I searched for the right words to say it`s okay, he doesn`t have to pretend anymore, but Vanitas spoke first.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- You`re right. I look hideous. Sorry for subjecting you to that.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He just stood there, back turned to me. I wanted to jump and hug him but was afraid of accidentally hurting him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- That`s not true!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- It is! - Vanitas turned around. - Can you say that to my face? I am disgusting, and we both know it! Just admit it!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- You want to hear what I think that bad? - I got up on my feet. My voice didn`t sound as </span>
  <span>convincingly</span>
  <span> with the nose stuffed from all that crying.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Yes! I dare you!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Fine! - I took two steps that separated us and shouted in his face. - Your scars are scary, but you`re not them! Your soul is beautiful!</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I don`t even know where that came from. Probably that article from earlier.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Vanitas's reaction was priceless. I got to see him trying to start laughing, failing and covering his mouth with his hand, the other holding his side as if trying to choke down something.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- You must`ve hurt a lot. I can help you if you let me. - I was hoping those were the right words and put as much feeling in these two sentences as I could.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I got worried, for that something that Vanitas tried to hold back still managed to get through, and tears spilled down his cheeks and over his hand, with which he tried to stifle sobs.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I was about to apologize when the most incredible thing about today happened, and today was the most eventful day of all our living together. Vanitas closed the distance and hugged me with his free hand, the other still covering his mouth. I stood a few moments, stunned, then gently hugged him back, so as not to cause him any pain. Vanitas shook, now clutching my shirt in his fist and clearly failing to stop crying.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I... t-that... is... - he tried to say something. I kept on holding him lightly, stroking his back. - t-the thing... you said... was a-all I wanted t-to hear... ever...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn`t sure which one, but I was relieved I didn`t say anything wrong. We stood like that for a while. This was the first time I saw Vanitas cry, and he never did, not in the saddest movie, while I ended up using a whole box of tissues. I felt bad for feeling happy that he cried, but </span>
  <span>somehow,</span>
  <span> I sensed that he needed that cry. Not alone with a blade in his hand, but on a reliable shoulder of a good friend. Well, I was hoping to become that to him.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Don`t know if we stood like that for a minute or for an hour, but eventually, Vanitas stopped sobbing. I had a fleeting thought of how gross it was, to get snot all over my shoulder, but I quickly chased that thought away, pretending I didn`t think that. Vanitas` tears were more precious </span>
  <span>than</span>
  <span> any shirt I owned. Then all the shirts in the world.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I felt his hands on my shoulders as if he was holding me in place instead of embracing me. And then he... sniffed my hair?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- </span>
  <span>So,</span>
  <span> you did use my shampoo, - Vanitas announced triumphantly. The attempted smirk was ruined by his runny nose and stuffy voice.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I bet you can`t smell anything right now, - I said dryly. This is what I get for my troubles?</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- I used yours, - Vanitas ignored my comment. Wait, what? - We`re even, for now. And your scent choices suck.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Fine, two can play at this game.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Well now your hair sucks too.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He punched me lightly. Then said, looking away.</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Um, thanks for...</span>
  
</p><p>
  <span>- Anytime, man. - I threw him a tissue box I kept for sad movies.</span>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later, when I was lying in my bed trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking about what happened. To sum it up: I walked in on Vanitas cutting himself and bleeding all over the floor, then we exchanged presents from a convenience store, Vanitas broke his bottle because of me, I threw up because of him, and then we hugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It sounded like a start of a beautiful friendship.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And right before falling asleep, I remembered that I forgot to clean up that broken bottle.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
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